


I Wish I Could Be Better

by reallifestruggles



Series: Life with the Kim-Hondas [1]
Category: IZONE (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25553728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reallifestruggles/pseuds/reallifestruggles
Summary: cross-posted on affuser: paul061799
Relationships: Honda Hitomi/Kim Chaewon (IZONE)
Series: Life with the Kim-Hondas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1851739
Kudos: 10





	1. Character Info

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted on aff
> 
> user: paul061799

Kim-Honda Chaewon: 25, Stay-at-home mom

Kim-Honda Hitomi: 24, Owner of a dance studio, choreographer, lyricist

Kim-Honda Yujin: 4

Kim-Honda Wonyoung: 3

Lee Sakura: 26, Professional E-sports gamer

Lee Chaeyeon: 25, Choreographer

Lee Minju: 4

Kwon Eunbi: 27, Music Arranger

Kwon Hyewon: 25, Stay-at-home mom

Kwon Nako: 3

Choi Yena: 25, Idol, Duo with Yuri (name tbd)

Jo Yuri: 25, Idol, Duo with Yena

(the whole world knows they're a couple)


	2. I Wish I Could Be Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just another day for Kim-Honda Chaewon. Or is it?

It was another day in the Kim-Honda household. Chaewon, the stay-at-home mother, got up, woke up her two children, Wonyoung and Yujin, 3 and 4 years old respectively, made breakfast for the family of 4, and brewed a pot of coffee for herself and her lovely wife. Hitomi, a dance studio owner, choreographer, and lyricist (known by the alias Hopes and Dreams), was asleep all the while, exhausted from the long day at work the day before. So, once she had finished preparing everything, Chaewon took the chance to wake her up. Leaning down to press a kiss on her lips, Hitomi stirred.

“Good morning Hitoma~”

“Five more minutes” said Hitomi, turning away.

“Baby, it’s 6:30. Don’t you have to go to work soon?”

“Why didn’t you wake me up sooner????”

Hitomi scrambled her way out of the bed and into the bathroom to wash up and get ready. Chaewon just smiled lovingly and shook her head while laughing. Hitomi’s career didn’t really require her to work to a specific schedule, or more so that she worked on her own time, but Chaewon knew full well that her wife had a routine she stuck to, so she left her to it. 

She then went to check up on their two little girls. She opened the door to their room to find Yujin helping Wonyoung put on a shirt as they got ready for their days. Yujin had her first day of preschool and Wonyoung was set for a day out with her mom. Seeing this sight, she smiled warmly, grateful that the two grew up well together. 

She made her way down to the dining room and set the table, scooping up some scrambled eggs and bacon onto their plates. After a couple minutes the two girls walked their way into the dining room and took their seats, making sure to thank their mom before eating. No more than thirty seconds later did their mama walk through the hallway to see her two angels eating away. Chaewon watches as Hitomi goes around the table to place a kiss on top of her daughters’ heads.

“Did my babies sleep okay last night?”

“I did mama! A-and I had a dream about going on a vacation with mommy and mama and Wonnie!” Yujin exclaimed with the most excited look Chaewon had ever seen on the four-year-old.

“Is that right Ddaengie?”

Chaewon squatted down next to their youngest and asked her, “What about Wonnie? Did Wonnie sleep okay last night?”

And with a mouth (and cheeks) full of eggs, Wonyoung resorted to sticking a thumb up next to her cheek and nodding enthusiastically. Chaewon went back to the kitchen to pour out two cups of coffee for the long day ahead of the two adults. After finishing breakfast and adequately preparing the two children to leave, the family left the house, with Chaewon putting the kids in her car while Hitomi went to her own. Quickly giving each other a goodbye peck on the lips, the two went on their way.

The first stop of the day for Chaewon was the preschool. Chaewon took some time unbuckling the girls from their seats, got them both out of the car safely, and walked with the two of them hand in hand, both girls holding hands with as much of a death-like grip as 3 and 4-year-olds could muster. 

Although Yujin was a very talkative child at home with her family or other people she was comfortable with, she’s generally a shy girl from what Chaewon’s seen. She’d usually hide behind either of her mothers’ legs when she was approached by another child at the playground, usually waiting for either’s encouragement before interacting. The stark difference between the two sides of their Ddaengie was very endearing in Chaewon’s eyes. Maybe it’s because her wife is the same.

Conversely, Wonyoung was a very straightforward kid. She valued anyone she was with, whether it be her mom, mama, sister, or anyone else she spent a lot of time with. Because of that, she was reluctant to let them leave. Just like this moment, where Yujin was about to go into her preschool for the first time. She took after Chaewon, she realized with a smile. The way Wonyoung was nervous about being apart from Yujin was the same as Chaewon had felt when Hitomi left for her dance studio for the first time. She couldn’t help but notice the nervous glances her children were sending, flickering between each other and their mom. When they got a couple feet away from the door, Yujin started lagging behind, slowing down her mom by weakly pulling backward. Noticing this, Chaewon took the two off to the side so that other families could make their way in. She squatted down and pulled the two into a hug.

“Yujin, there’s nothing for you to worry about, okay? Even though mom can’t be here with you all the time, you can make new friends. And Wonyoung, Yujin will be safe here, okay? The teacher here will make sure that she’s safe. So let’s not worry too much okay, both of you?”

The two children started tearing up a little bit, so Chaewon had to wipe both of their tears when suddenly she heard a familiar voice from behind her.

“Chaewonnie?”

At the sound of her name, she turned around to find Hitomi’s older sister and professional esports gamer, Sakura.

“Kkura-unnie? When did you get back? Moreover, what are you doing here?”

“Oh, I just got back here a few days ago. Had to spend time with my little MinMin before she starts preschool.”

And then Chaewon notices the little human hiding behind Sakura’s leg.

Squatting to reach her level, Chaewon gave a warm smile, waved, and said.

“Hi Minju, it’s me, Auntie Chaewon. Remember me?”

“Say hi to Auntie Chaewon MinMin. She took care of you a lot while your mom was busy you know.”

“Hi Auntie Chaewon,” said Minju with a very shy look, still hiding behind Sakura’s leg.

“You remember Yujin, right? She’s starting preschool too! Maybe you two can stay with each other today, yeah?”

“How does that sound Min?”

The two same-aged cousins looked around shyly. Despite being cousins, the two never really interacted. Minju was always quiet and kept to herself, while Yujin liked to stick by what she knew, and that usually meant playing around with only Wonyoung. It’s not like she hated Minju, it’s just that she never took the time to open up to her. Chaewon saw these interactions firsthand and saw this as the opportunity they needed to get closer to each other. She watched as Yujin shot a glance towards Wonyoung, to which the younger nodded and pushed her towards Minju. Yujin walked over to Minju, took her hand, and the two made their way inside, not before turning around to wave goodbye to their moms and Wonyoung.

After the two new preschoolers disappeared, Sakura stooped down to pick up Wonyoung.

“And how’s my little Wonnie doing?” she said as she started tickling her. Chaewon internally gushed as she saw Wonyoung smiling brightly and laughing with her Auntie Kkura.

“Auntie Kkura, stobbit stobbit!” Wonyoung exclaimed while flailing around in retaliation to the oncoming tickles.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. You’ve gotten bigger haven’t you Wonnie?”

The three-year-old excitedly nodded. “Mommy said I grew a lot this month!”

“Yes, Wonnie, you really did,” Chaewon said while patting her head affectionately. Turning her attention to Sakura, she asked, “You have any plans today unnie?”

“Not really, just getting some lunch then paying a surprise visit to Chaeyeon’s work after picking up Minju. You?”

“Well, Wonnie and I were gonna go to the mall today. Wanna come with, unnie?”

“Sure! I need to catch up with this little one anyways,” she said while still having Wonyoung snuggled her embrace. 

The two walked their way over to their cars, Sakura’s conveniently and completely coincidentally (wink wink) parked behind Chaewon’s. The two made their way over to the mall and walked in with Wonyoung in the middle holding both of their hands, swinging their arms the whole way. After stopping by a couple shops to get some stuff for their wives and kids, the three were on their way to the food court for lunch when all of a sudden Wonyoung exclaimed “NAKO!!!” and started waving erratically. The adults looked to where Wonyoung was looking and saw another three-year-old waving back with energy matching Wonyoung's, with her mom looking on smiling.

Upon recognizing the pair, Chaewon and Sakura yelled out “Kwangbae!” as they approached the pair, with hugs being given everywhere between the five of them. As it turns out the mother-daughter pair were also going to eat lunch, so they all went to the food court to catch up and chat. While the kids were animatedly communicating with each other with their limited vocabulary, the moms were all talking to each other.

“How’s Chaeyeon doing these days, Kkura?” Hyewon asked.

“Oh, you know the usual, working hard, and doing amazingly well. Her choreos are really something else.”

“Yeah, as expected from my wife’s best choreographer,” Chaewon added. “How’s Eunbi-unnie, Hye?”

“Yena and Yuri are doing a good job keeping her busy. I swear if she’s not at home with Nako she’s at her studio or the computer composing tracks for them. But to their credit, their songs are really good. Props to Tomi for writing lyrics for their songs. How does she do it, write, choreograph, and run the whole place?”

“She’s got a good support system. Chaeyeon’s her right-hand woman at the studio, she’s writing songs for her best friend and her girlfriend (but they might as well be married), who’s also my best friend, their go-to composer/arranger is your wife, she’s got a lovely older sister who she can talk to about anything and everything, and at the end of the day, she’s got an amazing wife and two lovely children to come home to. It’s stressful, yes, but it’s a lot more bearable when you’re going through the day with your favorite people. At least that’s how she’s worded it to me countless times when I've wondered the same thing,” Chaewon supplied, shrugging after finishing it.

Hyewon and Sakura nodded along to that reasoning given by Hitomi, relayed through her wife.

“Makes sense,” they both said.

“Wait... you’re just gonna think you’re amazing? Just like that?” Hyewon asked, squinting at Sakura.

“I mean, have you seen me?” Sakura retorted while flipping her hair arrogantly.

Hyewon and Chaewon scoffed and shook their heads in disgust (a/n: literally :hyewonsmh: and :chaewonsmh:) at that action. No more than a second later did all three burst out into laughter. They took Wonyoung and Nako to the play place in the mall and continued to talk while there. After a couple hours, the time came to pick up Minju and Yujin from preschool. After calling the two children over, Hyewon and Nako said their goodbyes to the other three and they all went on their way. When they got to the school, Chaewon and Sakura were met with the sight of Yujin and Minju talking to each other, both smiling so brightly, the sun may as well have been replaced. Then the four-year-olds noticed the two adults.

“Mom!!!”

Both mothers were met with rather hyperactive preschoolers barrelling into their legs, which was pretty unexpected given their interaction earlier in the day. They gave each other amused smiles and returned the hugs their children gave them.

“Did you miss me Ddaengie?”

She felt a sensation on her legs which equated to Yujin nodding with her face completely squished against her legs. Chaewon laughed and placed a kiss on her forehead, and said:

“I missed you too Ddaengie.” After peeling Yujin away from her legs, she looked at both of her girls and asked, “Do you guys want to go see Mama?”

She smiled when she saw their eyes widen.

“We can go see Mama?”

“I wanna see Mama!!”

“Alright, we’re gonna go see Mama then, let’s go!”

The two children raced to the car ahead of their mom, excited to get the chance to visit Hitomi while she’s at work. She buckled the children up and started the car as the two toddlers were excitedly talking about everything that happened during their day so far, from Yujin’s day with Minju to Wonyoung’s time with Auntie Kkura, Auntie Kwangbae, and Nako.

Upon getting to the studio, getting out of the car and into the building, Chaewon and Sakura led their kids to the practice room, and looking in the door to see if Chaeyeon and Hitomi were in there, could see their wives working on perfecting a routine for a duo, presumably for YulYen (as they liked to refer to the pairing). They waited for the music to die down and then opened to doors for the children to rush their other moms. The looks of shock on the dancers’ faces were priceless, but the looks of pure joy in seeing their babies after the shock leaving them were even more so.

Chaewon stood at the doorway taking in the sight of her Hitomi babying Yujin and Wonyoung when all of a sudden the two lovers made eye contact. Hitomi told their daughters to play with Minju and Auntie Chaeyeon and then took Chaewon outside.

“So what’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. Kkura-unnie just told me that she was gonna surprise Chae with Minju, so I just thought, why not let our girls see you in your element?”

Not completely buying it, Hitomi looked at Chaewon, eyes in the narrowest squint possible. But Chaewon had nothing to hide, and she looked straight into Hitomi’s eyes to ensure that. Hitomi got the message and believed her.

“Now, go have fun with the kids. I’ll go home after saying bye real quick. I still haven’t had my ‘me time’ today to be completely honest. And dinner isn’t gonna cook itself. You have seats for the kids, right?”

“Yep! You sure you can’t stay?”

“Do you want a home-cooked dinner when you get home today or no?”

“Okay. Drive home safely then, I love you Chaewonnie.”

“I love you too Hitoma. Now let me go say bye to Kkura-unnie, Chaeyeon, and the kids.”

“Wait.”

“What?”

And upon turning around to face her wife again, Chaewon found her lips pressed to Hitomi’s for a short, chaste yet meaningful kiss.

And with a smile on her face, Chaewon went back inside, said her goodbyes, came back out to her car, where her wife was waiting for her to give her a hug to send her off. She left the studio and made her way back home. She made her way inside, changed into clothes more comfortable to wear at home, and got started on making some tteokbokki and kimchi fried rice for their family. After an hour or so, she heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway and opened the door to find Hitomi carrying a sleeping Wonyoung on her front and a sleeping Yujin piggyback style. She quickly got Yujin off her back and woke up the two girls.

“Who’s hungry?”

“Mommy?” Yujin and Wonyoung asked sleepily.

“Yes dears, it’s me. Are you guys hungry? Let’s eat dinner now, and you two can sleep after, okay?”

“Okay…”

And with that, the two mothers placed their children down in their respective chairs. The family ate their dinner rather quietly at first, mainly because Yujin and Wonyoung were still waking up from their naps. But as they ate, they got their energy back, so when Chaewon asked what they did with Mama at the studio, they were happily chattering away, talking about how much fun they had with Auntie Chaeyeon just running and jumping around to random music (which Chaewon had already seen from a video Hitomi sent her, but they didn’t need to know that), to the point where they almost passed out on the floor.

The conversations changed so that the kids were talking to each other and Chaewon had Hitomi basically all to herself. She listened as Hitomi talked about her day, from talking to Yuri about what concept they wanted to go for with their next album, to talking with Yena and Chaeyeon about what kind of choreo they were looking for, to creating and perfecting the choreo with Chaeyeon, to watching the kids have fun with Chaeyeon, to them then having fun with Yena and Yuri when the idol duo came to learn the choreo firsthand. Chaewon noticed that no matter how tiring she said it was, she was constantly smiling. It’s like what she said to Hyewon and Sakura. It’s easier to go through if you’re doing it with people you love.

After Hitomi finished recounting her day, she saw that the kids were quieter and their eyes were drooping. She looked to Chaewon to tell her to let her worry about the children while Chaewon cleaned up and did the dishes.

As they separated if only for half an hour, Chaewon got to work. It was like clockwork for her, so she managed to do all the dishes and wipe down the table in a matter of fifteen minutes. She went to go sit down on the couch while waiting and got around to thinking. And that moment, in the dying moments of the day, was when her day got turned on its head.

  
**_ TW // mentions of anxiety and insecurity _ **

* * *

**Flashback: High school and college Chaewon**

Chaewon wasn’t a very confident child growing up. She was constantly being berated for not being good enough, for not getting high enough grades, for not living up to the standards her older siblings set in front of her. Even if she did relatively well on a test, if it was any lower than the benchmark score that her parents imposed on her, usually around 95%, she’d get scolded. Even after that, she was still constantly beating herself up mentally for not being able to do better. It happened so often that she gave up on trying to please. She just resigned to the fact that she wasn’t good. Every insult that was thrown her way, she took to heart. She tried improving herself, but with every failed attempt, the insults engraved themselves deeper in her heart. The level of insecurity she faced was immense.

As she transitioned into college, she knew that the past was behind her. But it didn’t change the fact that her past will always be a part of her. So while it wasn’t as often as it was back in high school, every couple of weeks the insecurities she felt back then would come to haunt her, sending her into a terrible downward spiral, hindering her performances in school, and causing her to be more insecure.

Then one day, she met Honda Hitomi, the woman who picked her up in her moments of weakness. The woman that paid attention to her when everyone else would cast her aside. The woman that helped her feel what happiness felt like. She never said things like her family told her: “Get over yourself, you’re worrying over nothing. Just get good.” She acknowledged the girl’s worries and helped her face them head-on. She never failed to take her to a private place for heart-to-heart discussions whenever she was feeling down. As time passed, heart-to-hearts developed into feelings. Years passed and here they are, married with two kids.

* * *

  
  


**Present**

Chaewon started thinking about her day, and the things she saw. She noticed how the biggest smiles on Hitomi, Wonyoung, and Yujin’s faces were most present when she wasn’t involved. Yujin was unbelievably chipper when she was with Minju at school. Wonyoung showed her biggest smile when she was playing with Nako in the mall, or with Sakura and Hyewon on the way. And she thought she saw Hitomi’s biggest smile in a while when the kids surprised her and Chaeyeon at the studio. Recalling these events, she began to think to herself.

_Why is it that everyone seems to smile less when I’m here? It’s almost like their smiles are forced. I’m stuck in one of two minds. On one hand, it feels like in my fragility, all I do is receive love, and never give it. On the other, it feels like when I do give, it doesn’t compare to what others give to them. Why does it feel like I’m just taking advantage of them? Why can’t I be a better wife to Hitomi? Why can’t I be a better mom for Wonyoung and Yujin? Why can’t I just be good enough?_

She was so lost in thought that she didn’t even notice that she had begun to shed tears. And she didn’t notice until Hitomi came back from tucking the babies in bed and saw Chaewon with her head in her hands. No stranger to these moments, she quickly rushed over, started rubbing her hands up and down Chaewon’s back, and let her cry out her tears. The sniffles turned into sobs, and that’s how she knew that it was one of the worse cases for Chaewon. She sat there, consoling her until the sobbing subsided.

Upon being asked, Chaewon poured out the entire inner monologue she had prior to the breakdown. She knew she could trust Hitomi with anything and everything, so it was easy to tell her, even if it involved her. Hitomi stayed quiet throughout her explanation, waiting for her to finish. Once she was quiet for a period of time enough to let her know she finished, Hitomi said:

“Chae, look at me.”

Chaewon lifted her head, as ashamed as she felt, to look her wife in her eyes, to show that she was listening, to show each other that they were being completely genuine. It was just like the old days when they had first met.

“Chaewon, you really underestimate yourself, you know that? Yes, you saw what you saw, but there were some other things you didn’t see. When you left the studio, Kkura-unnie told me that my smile was just a bit dimmer than when you first came. I know that I’m busy every day, and with today being one of the more strenuous days, you don’t know how much I really appreciated you coming with Wonnie and Ddaengie today. And really, I wanted to spend more time with you, but you put our family before our slightly selfish desires, and I don’t think anyone can ask for a better mother than that. You really just want what’s best for everyone: me, Yujin, and Wonyoung. I’m sure they don’t get it now, but when they grow up, they’ll be the ones to tell you that you did an amazing job as a mother. 

And did you know how excited they were to go home and see mommy again today? They really missed you a lot, you know? Before they fell asleep in the car, Wonyoung was telling me about what you guys did at the mall, and Yujin told me what you told her before school. You might just see it as you doing your duty as a mom, but to me, that’s doing everything and more than what’s required. Not every mother is as caring as you are Chaewonnie. You’re not just good enough. You’re more than I could ask for. And I’m sure that if the kids were awake they’d agree with me.”

And as soon as she said that, the two kids made their way into the living room to find their moms because they couldn’t sleep. They saw Chaewon crying and rushed to give her a hug, telling her to not cry.

“Wonnie, Ddaengie, what do you think about Mommy?”

“Mommy’s the greatest! She makes me good food and she helps me not feel sad.” Yujin said with adoring eyes.

“I wuv mommy! Mommy fun!” Wonyoung added, jumping up and down, much like a hyperactive puppy.

Hearing these words, Chaewon pulled them both in for a big hug.

“I love you two so much, you know that, right?”

The two nodded and each gave her a kiss on the cheek. Hitomi took Wonyoung and sat her on her lap so she could join in on the family hug.

An hour passed, and the family was still cooped up on the couch. Chaewon looked around and saw Wonyoung and Hitomi cuddling each other to sleep, peaceful breaths emanating from the pair. She looked down in her lap and saw Yujin curled up in a ball, also asleep. Taking a good look at the scene, she thought.

_Thank you guys, for showing me what happiness looks like._

And with a content smile, she closed her eyes and drifted away to dreamland.

-end-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the people that have been the Hitomi, Wonyoung and Yujin to my Chaewon (in terms of this fic) for upwards of 14 months:
> 
> I’ve wanted to tell you guys truly about what I’ve been feeling since leaving, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to any of you directly, not with the way I left. So here I am, shamefully, telling you this in the form of a fic. I put bits and pieces of myself into all four of the family members, but Chaewon was the one to encompass my feelings as a whole, especially in the snippet where she has an internal monologue. I don’t think it’s my best piece of work (it’s actually my longest, but who cares abt that) but I guess it was the best way for me to express myself without directly telling anyone.
> 
> Anyways, I’m sorry for leaving in the way that I did. Truthfully, every passing day, I miss talking with you guys more and more. But I felt guilty and ashamed for the way things happened all those days ago. I know that I do want to come back if you guys would have me. I just don’t know when I’ll be ready to, whether it be in a couple of days, weeks, or months. I’m slowly getting better in terms of not judging myself purely on the image I’ve built of myself, so I’m hoping it’ll be soon. Please stay safe wherever in the world you guys are. I love you guys to death.
> 
> PS: I’m not opposed to anyone dm-ing me, so on the off chance that any of you want to check in on me, feel free.


End file.
